green bud

Chapter Two

Hello, world. ♥

This is the beginning of what I have come to think of as Life, Chapter Two. Everything old is new again. I think a new start warrants a new journal. I've been around on LJ for eight years now, but, like everything else, the old has passed. The new has arrived, and so have I! Even if no one ever reads these words, I will take enormous pleasure in putting each one down. It's been a long time since my thoughts and words were valuable. Words are living things with enormous power. They can change small things, and they can change the world.


Be careful of words,
even the miraculous ones.
For the miraculous we do our best,
sometimes they swarm like insects
and leave not a sting but a kiss.
They can be as good as fingers.
They can be as trusty as the rock
you stick your bottom on.
But they can be both daisies and bruises.
Yet I am in love with words.
They are doves falling out of the ceiling.
They are six holy oranges sitting in my lap.
They are the trees, the legs of summer,
and the sun, its passionate face.
Yet often they fail me.
I have so much I want to say,
so many stories, images, proverbs, etc.
But the words aren't good enough,
the wrong ones kiss me.
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
but with the wings of a wren.
But I try to take care
and be gentle to them.
Words and eggs must be handled with care.
Once broken they are impossible
things to repair.

-Anne Sexton

green bud


I've been too busy and gloomy to have much of anything to say of late. I can't take any more winter! A few days ago it was sunny, temps in the 80s, with 70% humidity - in other words, a nice summer day. Two days later (yesterday) it snowed on and off all day. Today is sunny, but it was 18 degrees this morning. I feel desperate for a taste of spring. The summery day on the weekend was lovely, but it was as unseasonal as the snow is. I just want plain old ordinary, muddy, wet, beautiful spring. Please.

Speaking of spring, I got this meme from sylvanwitch The images are lovely and cheering. : )

You Are Generous

You are a humanitarian, and you love helping the world in as many ways as you can.
You are gentle and sensitive. You need the freedom to live your life as you wish without judgment.

You have a quiet dignity and natural calm about you. People find you alluring, and even mysterious.
While you love to give back, you shy away from any glory or recognition. Many of your good deeds tend to be anonymous.

tree in bud

(no subject)

It can be heartening to see how people come together in the wake of tragedy. People often rush to support victims of tragedy and aid those who are displaced. Let natural disaster, famine, or war disrupt the lives of any group of people, and you'll glimpse humanity at its best. And sometimes, at its worst. It's heartbreakingly common to hear others talk about "THOSE people..." Thinking of others in terms of how they're different from ourselves gives us an excuse to care less, to do less, to give less. This is particularly true when the tragedy occurs in a country or location far from us.

Save the Children UK has made a video to raise awareness and support for their Syrian Children Refugee Crisis project. They ask us to change our perspective and to consider what it would be like if tragedy (war, in this case) happened to US, and not just to THOSE people. (something to consider: more often than not, THOSE people also happen to be BROWN people. It's an ugly truth.) It's a powerful video, and I hope you'll watch and pass it on.

green bud

*hack cough*

I've been feeling concerned for a couple of weeks because I noticed that the high energy level I'd finally achieved in the fall had mostly disappeared. I was worried that the lupus was beginning to intrude on life again. I wasn't pleased at that idea (it's been too difficult a climb to fall back down into that quagmire again), but I was unable to push my way through it. I've been bewildered and frustrated. I finally felt rundown enough to go to the doctor today, and I learned that there's a reason for my lethargy - apparently I've got bronchitis. That probably explains why I've been so hoarse lately, and it certainly explains the fatigue.

I went as a chaperone with my daughter's school choir to a dinner theatre production of the Buddy Holly Story. The show was good - short on plot, but musically AWESOME. I never realized that Buddy Holly played here in Davenport the night before his last show in Clear Lake, Iowa. I was incredibly impressed with the kids, who were attentive and polite and who loved the music. The best part came when my daughter told me that I was "the coolest chaperone." : )
green bud

My life according to L

sylvanwitch had this little meme-let in her journal, and I decided to share. I was given the letter L to work with.

Something I hate: loud chewing
Something I love: lavender
Somewhere I have been: Lakes, Great
Somewhere I would like to go: London
Someone I know: Lisa Y.
Best Movie: Love Actually
green bud


I'm leaving shortly for my daughter's winter choir concert. It promises to be overcrowded, hot, and wonderful. Her 8th grade choir has another show on Monday, when they join one of the award-winning high school choirs at a local venue, the Adler Theatre. I'm so proud to hear her sing. Speaking of local fine arts, I just learned that Yo-Yo Ma will be playing with the Quad City Symphony next season! This is a big draw for a city this size, and I'm thrilled about it! If I don't manage to get tickets, I can always attend an open rehearsal, which is often even more interesting and thrilling than the final performance.

Time to go corral my daughter and warm up the car, and we're off to the show!
green bud

dancing with myself

If the recent past performance of LJ is any indication, no one but me will ever read this. That's okay, I'm just thinking out loud anyway.

This is my second post-divorce holiday season. While it is still a huge, miraculous relief to be free, I have been feeling sort of all alone recently. The kids are not really kids anymore; my sons are 22 and 19 and my daughter is 14. Since they're mostly grown up now, I don't have to maintain the illusion of a bounteous Christmas morning. That is a huge relief, as I don't have a pot to piss in. Still, I am feeling pressure to produce the Holiday Experience. I've always loved the holidays, but not so much anymore. I'm far more invested in the beauty of the season and life's cycle.

Whatever the reason, I am low down. It's cold here - possibly down to -20 degrees by noon tomorrow - and some warm comfort would be lovely. I know I wouldn't have gotten that in my marriage, so I'm not actually any worse off than I was before. I *know* I have nothing to complain about. It's just lonely. The fact that perimenopause is apparently actively trying to either kill me or render me insane probably doesn't help at all. Christmas commercials are notoriously emotionally manipulative, and I seem to catch all the worst of them. I've started keeping a box of Kleenex next to my chair to mop up the ocean of tears the commercials bring. The music of the season is at least as evocative as the commercials. Between the two, I will soon be dehydrated and shriveled like a raisin. Of course, that doesn't keep me from soaking in as much beautiful music as possible, or seeking out new and wonderful new music. I'm a glutton for punishment, apparently. It's just such a SWEET sadness.

There's nothing I can really do about any of the things that are gnawing on my emotions. I just need to cope and keep moving forward. Movement is critical. As hard as it is from time to time (and this is one of those times), I can't become afraid to jump into whatever life holds. I just wish I could enjoy a short period of stasis -a cryo-pod, perhaps- just until the blues blow away.
green bud

Why am I invisible???

I've posted to my journal several times in the last few days, and none of them are showing up! If I sign in to my son's LJ, for example, my journal shows no activity. Also, comments that I have left on various LJs are not showing up.
I am extremely frustrated. I have some ...*issues*... with not being heard/listened to, and this is tweaking my anxiety pretty badly. Why can't anyone see my posts?? (and yes, I have checked the security setting to make sure that it's set on either Public or Friends.)

ETA: What the frak? Now some of the entries have disappeared entirely from my journal, even when I view the journal as myself. This is the same crap that happened last winter. It pissed me off then, and it pisses me off now. *scowls*
sunset tree

NaNo news is good news, etc

I am very pleased to say that NaNo is going very well! My word count is at 27,437 and I'm hoping to pound out another thousand words or so tonight. It's especially gratifying because the story took an abrupt turn into uncharted plot waters shortly after I started. I found my main character behaving completely differently than I'd planned and, unbeknownst to me, a minor plot point began forming itself into the main theme of the novel - go figure. Once I bent to my character's will, I really hit my stride and now it's flowing easily.

Aside from the writing success, I've kind of been at the end of my tether all week. I'm trying to snap out of it, with moderate success. I think I need some chocolate caramel pretzel ice cream a long sleep. One of my meds was adjusted, which seems to be causing me to be unable to sleep more than two or three hours per night, no matter how tired I am. I've gotta believe sleep will regulate itself soon. *implores the heavens*

I had a Holy Shit! moment today when I got a look at some technology being developed at MIT. This video gives you some idea what sort of things our gadgets will be able to do before long:

Imagine the grid being made of pliable, hair-width fibers instead of the chunky blocks shown. We will be able to interact with objects and people on the other side of the globe! Besides the immediately obvious applications to which the porn industry will put the technology, just think what we'll be able to do! Imagine being able to administer CPR to your grandmother, or being able to hold the hand of someone far away. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

My mind? Blown. Kaboom.