Throat is agony, armored vehicle parked on chest, large hadron collider possibly installed in left ear. Martian Death Virus? Swift death, plz.
I've been feeling concerned for a couple of weeks because I noticed that the high energy level I'd finally achieved in the fall had mostly disappeared. I was worried that the lupus was beginning to intrude on life again. I wasn't pleased at that idea (it's been too difficult a climb to fall back down into that quagmire again), but I was unable to push my way through it. I've been bewildered and frustrated. I finally felt rundown enough to go to the doctor today, and I learned that there's a reason for my lethargy - apparently I've got bronchitis. That probably explains why I've been so hoarse lately, and it certainly explains the fatigue.
I went as a chaperone with my daughter's school choir to a dinner theatre production of the Buddy Holly Story. The show was good - short on plot, but musically AWESOME. I never realized that Buddy Holly played here in Davenport the night before his last show in Clear Lake, Iowa. I was incredibly impressed with the kids, who were attentive and polite and who loved the music. The best part came when my daughter told me that I was "the coolest chaperone." : )
If the recent past performance of LJ is any indication, no one but me will ever read this. That's okay, I'm just thinking out loud anyway.
This is my second post-divorce holiday season. While it is still a huge, miraculous relief to be free, I have been feeling sort of all alone recently. The kids are not really kids anymore; my sons are 22 and 19 and my daughter is 14. Since they're mostly grown up now, I don't have to maintain the illusion of a bounteous Christmas morning. That is a huge relief, as I don't have a pot to piss in. Still, I am feeling pressure to produce the Holiday Experience. I've always loved the holidays, but not so much anymore. I'm far more invested in the beauty of the season and life's cycle.
Whatever the reason, I am low down. It's cold here - possibly down to -20 degrees by noon tomorrow - and some warm comfort would be lovely. I know I wouldn't have gotten that in my marriage, so I'm not actually any worse off than I was before. I *know* I have nothing to complain about. It's just lonely. The fact that perimenopause is apparently actively trying to either kill me or render me insane probably doesn't help at all. Christmas commercials are notoriously emotionally manipulative, and I seem to catch all the worst of them. I've started keeping a box of Kleenex next to my chair to mop up the ocean of tears the commercials bring. The music of the season is at least as evocative as the commercials. Between the two, I will soon be dehydrated and shriveled like a raisin. Of course, that doesn't keep me from soaking in as much beautiful music as possible, or seeking out new and wonderful new music. I'm a glutton for punishment, apparently. It's just such a SWEET sadness.
There's nothing I can really do about any of the things that are gnawing on my emotions. I just need to cope and keep moving forward. Movement is critical. As hard as it is from time to time (and this is one of those times), I can't become afraid to jump into whatever life holds. I just wish I could enjoy a short period of stasis -a cryo-pod, perhaps- just until the blues blow away.
I've posted to my journal several times in the last few days, and none of them are showing up! If I sign in to my son's LJ, for example, my journal shows no activity. Also, comments that I have left on various LJs are not showing up.
WHAT THE HELL?
WHERE ARE ALL MY POSTS???
I am extremely frustrated. I have some ...*issues*... with not being heard/listened to, and this is tweaking my anxiety pretty badly. Why can't anyone see my posts?? (and yes, I have checked the security setting to make sure that it's set on either Public or Friends.)
ETA: What the frak? Now some of the entries have disappeared entirely from my journal, even when I view the journal as myself. This is the same crap that happened last winter. It pissed me off then, and it pisses me off now. *scowls*